rumspringa

The very best thing about working graveyard shift is the sunrise. I have seen so many beautiful sunrises over the last 10 or so years. I always feel so lucky each and every morning during my drive home from work. The golds and the ominous reds filling the sky. The darkness giving way to the light. The end and begining of everything presented to me in the color and the atmosphere of the morning sky. So often i have thought about keeping a camera in my glovebox to share a picture or two with friends and family. But my simple little pleasure has always kept me silent. My little secret.



My only other perk for countless nights of missed sleep is NPR's Morning Edition. A radio show beyond all other radio shows. A morning that could just as easily be filled with rap and hip hop. Which is my normal driving to work listening fare. Just wouldn't be the same without Morning Edition. The sunrise and Morning Edition seem to go together to me. Simple pleasures for a simple mind i guess.



On the NPR.org website they have archived all of the stories in text and the original audio of the broadcast if i want to relive anything i have listened to. And one of the features of the website is called Driveway Moments. People write in and tell of stories that they just couldn't stop listening to. The drive home from work over, sitting in their driveway by themselves, the radio still on. Listening so intently as their neighbors drive by wondering what is going on. But not wanting to miss the entire story they/we/i sit quietly in the car, alone.



My favorite driveway moment and the title to this little post was a story about "rumspringa". To quote from the webpage:
"They live in a strict society, under tight control of their family and close-knit community. But when they turn 16, Amish teenagers are allowed the freedom to explore the customs of the outside "English" world -- including alcohol, drugs and sex -- before deciding whether to join the Amish church for life or leave the community altogether".



After sitting in my driveway until the story ended all i could think about was, Who knew? Why wasn't i told about this? I have never heard even the slightest mention of this on tv or read about it in a news article. And this has been going on forever? Where have i been all this time not to have known? As i turned off the radio i realised just how much my mornings have become to me. Never one to rise early. Never a breakfast person so to speak. And yet now i am afforded a view of my world that is so rich in sight and sound. My Morning Edition begins and ends at the touch of the radio dial, I'm home.



The story can be seen and heard here: rumspringa

For Kwitz...
Well lets see... as fall seems to have arrived all too soon for me. I feel the usual melancholy set in. Not the deep depression of winter of most years. Just the slow draining of hope and joy. Life draining to the lowest points of my body. Like the changing colors of the autumn leaves, I'm losing my chlorophyl.


One thing tho... i do seem to reflect more on my life, the internal side of me. The things deep inside that are seldom reflected to others by my outer surface. There just behind my eyes. There at the corners of my forced smiles. Just the slightest of hints to the people i meet. Wanting, needing my feelings to be recognized by someone. To re-enforce in me that they are not singularly my own. But shared by others, if only a few. An un-shared feeling is such a lonely feeling.


My life it seems is one of a solitary person walking backwards through the deep woods. No sky or light above me. Just the slightest glimmer of daylight on the horizon. Watching everything pass beside me and slowly fade away into the distance. Never able to see things as they come. Never able to anticipate an arrival. Never relish in the joy of seeing someone come toward me, to then see me and smile. It is only in their passing that i realise i fail to see them approach. It is only me that is walking backwards, not them. Is that what winter does to me? Turns me around to face away from the world. To see only sunsets and darkness. Seeing the world around me fading into the past.


Someone please tap me on the shoulder... so i might turn around and face you with a smile.



Have a great Day... Kwitz... lol...

Lost words...
I looked at the date of my last post and noticed its been about a month since i have written anything. But thats not to say i haven't thought about writing. I think of words or phrases or ideas all the time. Especially at work, where its just so easy to distract myself. But often i get a phrase or paragraph to express an idea or feeling and not that its perfect by any means but it expresses exactly what i wanted. Then at that point i can't add to it. The words for me at least fit too good together to add more. But maybe someone else would like to try their hand at them. I offer them to you... just give me credit... an inspired by... something...


First one... and i wrote this down a few months ago is:

"I love the way she looks for me, when she walks into a room."

Its the look. The feeling of being connected to someone. The silent passion, the source of strength, the feeling of ease and comfort. The look that is mirrored in someone elses eyes. The overwhelming emotions that well up and fill me inside. Tears flow as we try to catch our breath. The look that Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck share in the movie Bounce. Or the way that Claire Forlani looks at Brad Pitt in the movie Meet Joe Black. I can't help but cry when i see those looks. I force the tears from my eyes when when i look at...


Lets go on to the next group of words. And they are... a paragraph actually. And based on something that actually happened... to me.

Here it is:


What time does the sun rise this morning?
How long 'til the birds start to sing?
Seems we've talked all night again my darling.
It's quickly become a regular thing.



You could actually replace my darling with a persons name but i will keep that name nameless. But it really did happen. And was one of those nights that one bases almost every other night, first meeting, and lost loves on. For good or bad it haunts me. Drifts in and out of my thoughts in every smile and every tear.


This last one is very recent. And one that i know i would never ever be able to finish. Hopefully someone can. The inspiration so to speak comes from my attempt at writing a childs prayer. Something to say as they lay down to sleep. I didn't even come close to thinking of a new one. All i came up with was one sentence. But i seem to say or think of this sentence alot lately. I don't know why.


... and with a single beat of an angels wings, she rises up to heaven.

My Addictions...

Since i don't have anything new to write but need a new entry i thought i would just write out a few of my current addictions. And being an extreme OCD sufferer among other things it is kind of tough to narrow it down to a few. Let alone recognize that something is an addiction but i will try. These will just be the most obvious and hopefully the least destructive. In no particular order...

Yo Crunch - Yes the yogurt... lol... i can't get enough of it. I buy them 12 little tubs at a time. Usually cleaning out the whole shelf of them at Wallies. I especially like the Strawberry Nestle's crunch ones. But also the Oreo's ones as well. They are just so incredibly delicious! 50 cents each... Such a small price to pay for such an awesome treat. I usually have them all eaten in less than 10 days. Yummy.

PressPlay - for $9.95 a month i get to download all the music(old and new) that i want. Its like being in a candy store. Searching and finding songs i used to love and songs i have wanted recently but knew only one song was any good on the CD. Searching for new stuff... new remixes. Un-edited versions. Extended mixes. Secret delights that i wouldn't want anyone to know i like(Samantha Mumba- Body2Body). Not to mention you get unlimited streams of songs without having to download them first. Programming my own playlist.. no commercials... hearing the songs when i want to hear them. The streaming audio is probably my favorite part of it. Something so special about getting to hear a song when i request it. So much better than radio where you wait hours and hours. How new are the songs you ask? Well all of the new Eminem album is there to download. As well as Nellyville by Nelly. Whoa!.. lol... but i already have the CD of those tho. Their both great.

Hard Knocks - HBO Watched it last year when they went into the Baltimore Ravens training camp. This year they are at the Dallas Cowboys training camp. You get to see and hear everything that goes on. There are a lot of fights among the players. Actual fist fights. Seeing guys get cut from the team as they pair down to their maximum roster of players. Thats so tough. One guy got cut from the team on the first day of training camp. Didn't even get to practice. That was hard to watch. Others have been hurt in practice and are lost for the season. Watching Roy Williams running around in an exhibition game asking other guys where he is supposed to be and what he is supposed to do is funny and sad. I can't imagine what he must be thinking. Did i mention they also are showing the Cowboys CheerLeaders trying out too?... lol... there's this one that is... well thats another addiction i guess...

Random - Undescribed Ones... WiFi, Nimh, Dos Ecces Special, Archos 10gb, E-Machines, WinXP.

People - Josephine, Rita Wong, The Chubby Blonde of The Dixie Chicks.. lol.

They Embrace

...as he reaches for the door he stops and turns
for what he knows will be his last memory of her.
Seeing her bathed in the warm glow of the evening sun,
he is overwhelmed by his feelings for her.

Slowly he begins to walk back to her. Mustering all the strength he can.
He forces himself to ask for one final favor. Finally, as if someone is speaking for him
he hears himself say. "May i hold you once more?"

With tears streaming down her face she gasps with emotion and reaches out to him.
Their bodies shaking from the feelings they have for each other, they embrace.

Standing silently in the long shadows of the almost darkened room. They experience
the most caring moment in their emotionally scarred lives. Then ever so slowly
they release from their loving embrace. Reality again fills the room.

Trying hard not to be seen, he turns away and wipes the tears from his cheeks.
With his last ounce of strength he takes his first steps without her by his side.
Her wedding day is over now and he must leave his daughter behind.
Another man now holds her heart....

by Billy2Dogs

Snow Bird

I sit here by my window
and watch the falling snow.
Drifting through the winter sky
So calm, so cool, so slow.
Like stars sent from the heavens
They gleem in the evening sun.
Slowly they fall and softly they land
They beckon for the others to come.
Covering the ground in such a short time
They are quickly a blanket of white.
So beautiful to see, like a pure white sea
They twinkle like a star filled night.
Then barely I notice, the quick jerking movement
Of a beautiful cool blue bird.
Now I hold my breath, as I try not to scare
And I whisper so as not to be heard.
It is the perfect ending to what has truly been
A joyous and wonderful day.
God sent his creation from you I am sure
To say you love me in a very special way.

by
Billy2Dogs

Dreamers

It all seemed so easy, when she started long ago.
But now she's not so sure at all, she don't know where to go.
She runs thru tall grass prairies, searching for that elusive clue.
Asking all who stop to listen. Where should she go? What should she do?

They all gave her answers, to the questions that she posed.
But none were what she wanted, perhaps no-one really knows.

Exhausted now she's sleeping, underneath a towering tree.
In dreams she finds the answer, that only dreamers seem to see.
Suddenly it's all so clear, she prays she would awake.
To release her from her slumber, her dream she now could make.

But the sun is slowly fading and is soon to disappear.
The answers to her questions, will never seem so near.
Perhaps some day she'll find it, somewhere inside of me.

The answers to her questions.
That only dreamers seem to see.

by
Billy2Dogs

Stars
Oh the wonders to behold.
A star lit night, the day grown old.
I count thee not stars but dreams to come.
As loves and hopes as yet unknown.
But at their sight each night i cry.
My dreams before me they fill the sky.
If one should fall to me it lives.
For that dream is mine to you to give.
So if by chance you see one fall.
Cry not for me it's you it calls.
Each star is a dream for us to claim.
Whether mine or yours it's all the same.

by
Billy2Dogs

Reflection
   It must be the time of year. Thats all i can think of. Because it surely isn't my age slipping up on me. Likewise i have never considered my age or anyone elses in how i act or react. But i have for some reason been rediscovering things about me. About things i have done or had happen to me.

   Maybe it was the sight of the dried brown leaves floating so slowly, longingly, almost dreamily down to the ground that first got me to thinking about things in the past. Or maybe it was the realisation that i just loved giving candy out to the trick or treaters this year. When i know i used to hate the idea, even dread the inconvenience. My how i have changed.

   As the leaves blow along the ground and swirl in the yard i see images of me. I see things that startle me in some ways. Deep inside i find it hard to believe some of these things have actually happened to me. I feel the pain inside my chest from the too real feelings that i once held so deeply inside. That long ago was me. It all seems so real and unreal to me now.

   The phrase, "Did i really used to..." or "Wow, did that really happen to me..." tugs at my heart and races through my mind at all too frequent intervals. Swirling about me. Then forcing me to confront the fact that i am only now able to see who i used to be. And the hard hitting fact that i no longer can block out these haunting memories. Like long dead ghosts come to guide me back to my childhood. I see my life chapter and verse coming to live in me again. My frailties, my fears, my obsessions.

   ... let me stop for now. Lay down and hide my face under the covers. Say a childs prayer that once was my strength and now is my insecurity.

Life is all about timing...
I have done the old "if only" sort of reasoning pretty much all my life.
Like this winter when I said "If only I had stopped for a pop this morning on the way home from work. I wouldn't have hit
that deer". Denting my car and taking the life of a gorgeous creature that was only trying to cross the road.
If only isn't really the best way to reason that sort of thing. Its really just timing. I wanted to go straight
home before I fell asleep. I didn't have the time to stop for a soda. I was running late. If I hadn't been late
leaving work I would have had the time. It would have worked out. It would still be alive. But who knows for sure.
Maybe just maybe I could have timed it better for the deer so it could live. But maybe just maybe I would have
been in a terrible accident. Possibly injuring myself or god forbid someone else. That's how one's timing
is so incomprehensible in the long run. So if only I could have changed the timing of things, would I have?
Should I have that huge of a responsibility? I'm certainly glad I don't.
Maybe the timing was right. Maybe the deer sacrificed its life to save me or someone else. Its birth was just at the right time. It lived as a deer timed by the seasons not a clock. Yet it probably knew all of its life that someday the time would be just right. That it could do something to help someone, maybe a small child. Maybe me.
Its time had come. I was drawing near. It gave up its life to slow me down a little. So that maybe my timing would also be slowed just enough to save someone else. To help me realize that some things that seem bad are really just pauses in life. Time to reflect. A re-adjustment of our overall timing of day to day life.
Like today, my timing was confused a little. But later I would know why. I was supposed to get groceries this morning.
But I felt like I needed a little rest. A nap. Old age creeping toward me like an overstuffed couch I guess.
Drawing me ever so slowly to it for a long quiet nap. It was a nice nap. Mixed with in and out TV dreams. But my timing was off. Or so I thought...
I finally arose around 3p.m. and showered and wished I had left earlier like I had planned. But not waiting for the
lines on my face from the couch to smooth out, I left. If only I had left earlier I thought. I would have been back by now.
But oh well I thought. No need to rush. The river is going to be crowded. Lots of people crossing the road on foot.
Wild canoe haulers rushing up and down the river road. Best be careful and take it easy I thought. I was right. It was crowded.
Cars and trucks and canoe haulers were lined up behind me for half a mile or so, but I wasn't going to be hurried along. I'm good at 55. Plenty fast enough for the straight roads. 35 is good enough thru the congested camping areas. Cars and trucks weaving in and out of my rear view mirror. They were all looking for a clear road to pass me. Like one long snake twisting and turning on the highway. But no need to hurry.
So finally I am almost passed all the congestion and nothing left ahead of me but War Eagle Resort and the water slide. I glance at the slide as I slow down even more. Nothing new there. I slow a little more and look left. There I see a man and a woman. They are obviously wet from canoeing. He is facing me. She has her back to me. I see him look at me and then back to her and nod and smile. With a little shake of her head her shoulder length hair tossed slowly to the side. (This is when I remembered the deer re-adjusting my timing.) My eyes couldn't have focused any better if I had been Steve Austin. When suddenly I see her bend over at the waist and pull something gently and slowly down her long tanned legs... it was her bright pink bikini bottoms.
Woo Hoo!!!! Thank you! Thank You! Thank You! Your timing was perfect!!! I Love You Deer!!!

O great spirit...
  For each day i rise , i thank you.
I am no longer afraid to die here.
I've shed last tears.
Conquered all fears.
I'll see you when i get there.

From a song i like... b2d.

My friend...
  I'm feeling much better these days. The headaches aren't as strong as when we last met. They are still as frequent, but maybe that will also ease with time. If not, at least they aren't as severe, as I've said.
  I've come to notice a peculiar thing about the arrival of the pain. It seems 5 to 10 minutes prior to their onset. I have flashes of memory that I have no prior recollection. Yet, they seem so real as to be almost the like reliving someone elses life.
  I also seem to be easing the pain in my head at this very same time. Trying to increase these sensations of other thoughts, other lives. I have been able to reduce the length as well as the severity. Strange as it may seem, I'm beginning to play the game just to see exactly where it will lead.
  At one point in my usual attack, I completely felt as though I had left this time, this place, and it was If I were truly someone else. Enjoying this relief from the pain, I became instantly calm. I finally realized, what I was doing and it scared me so horrifically, I struggled feverishly to return.
  Once I had recovered, I could still feel the dull pain in my head, but I also felt more of what my thoughts were in that other place. I want the relief of pain that it brings, but do I dare go on?
  Could this be insanity? Am I a reincarnation? I think maybe the former. But if it is insanity, why? I have no history of insanity in my family. Except and you know my history. But no, it couldn't be the same.
  For now i shall continue to balance the pain with the relief, the present state of mind and the state of mind being forced upon me, although, not totally against my will.
  I will endure this situation. I have myself to believe in. My spirit is stronger, my desire its equal. But my curiosity is even greater. It, by it, I mean the pain, has become a part of me, of my life. It is this surrender to its occurrence that I must fight.
  Complacency will be the death of me or at least, my mind. I must not let it take its share of my thoughts. I must remain the sole resident of my mind and only my experiences shall become memories. Also I shall fight the temptation to see exactly what it is trying to show me.
  The urge is strong and once, it did take a hold of me for what was an extremely dangerous amount of time. I had a couple of glasses of wine, after the wine I had with dinner. When I felt a very relaxing mood take my spirit. Suddenly and without pain, I was there. The other place in my mind.
  It was certainly the calming of the wine, but I wasn't worried. I did not try to resist, I eased into it so easily, I felt I must go on. It carried me quickly out of my body, out of my mind and into this other life.
  I felt no bodily entrapment, only a floating sensation that continued even higher. This continued for some amount of time and I felt no need to intervene, I felt I could return at once if i needed. As time passed, I became just a little hesitant; I think this was my downfall. It grew more and more and soon I was panicked. The most terrifying images and sensations began to appear to me. I knew I must leave, or be overwhelmed with this evil.
  But now, I was trapped. I had no control. I was at its full will. Like a leaf in a hurricane i was tossed about wildly with no sense of direction. I struggled for some sense of control.
  So strong was its hold, i felt it no use. The terrifying sense of defeat was about to take over. When suddenly, i felt someone grab a hold of my spirit and pull me aside. It was not a hand of brute strength, but still a very powerful grip.
  I awoke to the sight of my dear Rosalie. What beauty and strength she was to me after this ordeal. When I had regained my senses i saw that she was holding my hand and calling my name. I must have been hard to awaken for she had a nervous, almost scared look on her face.
  I smiled to relieve her tension and a tear streamed down her cheek. She smiled what was truly a joyous smile and gave a deep sigh of relief. I returned the grip she had on my hand and pulled her near for a long healthy hug.
  I feel it was the strength of her love, my Rosalie, that saved me from my visit with evil. She was my last shred of hope. I've fought my desire to experiment from that day forth, but the pain sometimes is unbearable. Maybe, with practice, I could remain at the point of serenity and ease the torture of this pain.
  But the thought of losing, Rosalie, keeps me away from the idea. I pray that with her strength and love, I can beat this torturous ordeal and never give in to what I'm sure is the forebearer of insanity.
  I tell you these things in hopes of some understanding for you as well as me. But please, I beg of you, never speak of these things to Rosalie. I depend on her so much i couldn't live with the thought of causing her to worry. I thank you for your friendship. I thank God for Rosalie.
  Your friend,
      Billy

Midnight Riders
   She comes for me at midnight...
and we ride and we ride and we ride.
Racing through the trees in the moonlight...
our hearts pound wildly with every stride.
   On and on we ride until sunrise...
its arrival is sudden and unknown.
I stand silently at my doorstep...
when my love rides away all alone.
   My days are filled with my night time...
where my dreams and my love go to hide.
Where she comes for me at midnight...
and we ride and we ride and we ride.

  by Billy2Dogs