Billy Writes A Little

Reflection
   It must be the time of year. Thats all i can think of. Because it surely isn't my age slipping up on me. Likewise i have never considered my age or anyone elses in how i act or react. But i have for some reason been rediscovering things about me. About things i have done or had happen to me.

   Maybe it was the sight of the dried brown leaves floating so slowly, longingly, almost dreamily down to the ground that first got me to thinking about things in the past. Or maybe it was the realisation that i just loved giving candy out to the trick or treaters this year. When i know i used to hate the idea, even dread the inconvenience. My how i have changed.

   As the leaves blow along the ground and swirl in the yard i see images of me. I see things that startle me in some ways. Deep inside i find it hard to believe some of these things have actually happened to me. I feel the pain inside my chest from the too real feelings that i once held so deeply inside. That long ago was me. It all seems so real and unreal to me now.

   The phrase, "Did i really used to..." or "Wow, did that really happen to me..." tugs at my heart and races through my mind at all too frequent intervals. Swirling about me. Then forcing me to confront the fact that i am only now able to see who i used to be. And the hard hitting fact that i no longer can block out these haunting memories. Like long dead ghosts come to guide me back to my childhood. I see my life chapter and verse coming to live in me again. My frailties, my fears, my obsessions.

   ... let me stop for now. Lay down and hide my face under the covers. Say a childs prayer that once was my strength and now is my insecurity.