Billy Writes A Little

My friend...
  I'm feeling much better these days. The headaches aren't as strong as when we last met. They are still as frequent, but maybe that will also ease with time. If not, at least they aren't as severe, as I've said.
  I've come to notice a peculiar thing about the arrival of the pain. It seems 5 to 10 minutes prior to their onset. I have flashes of memory that I have no prior recollection. Yet, they seem so real as to be almost the like reliving someone elses life.
  I also seem to be easing the pain in my head at this very same time. Trying to increase these sensations of other thoughts, other lives. I have been able to reduce the length as well as the severity. Strange as it may seem, I'm beginning to play the game just to see exactly where it will lead.
  At one point in my usual attack, I completely felt as though I had left this time, this place, and it was If I were truly someone else. Enjoying this relief from the pain, I became instantly calm. I finally realized, what I was doing and it scared me so horrifically, I struggled feverishly to return.
  Once I had recovered, I could still feel the dull pain in my head, but I also felt more of what my thoughts were in that other place. I want the relief of pain that it brings, but do I dare go on?
  Could this be insanity? Am I a reincarnation? I think maybe the former. But if it is insanity, why? I have no history of insanity in my family. Except and you know my history. But no, it couldn't be the same.
  For now i shall continue to balance the pain with the relief, the present state of mind and the state of mind being forced upon me, although, not totally against my will.
  I will endure this situation. I have myself to believe in. My spirit is stronger, my desire its equal. But my curiosity is even greater. It, by it, I mean the pain, has become a part of me, of my life. It is this surrender to its occurrence that I must fight.
  Complacency will be the death of me or at least, my mind. I must not let it take its share of my thoughts. I must remain the sole resident of my mind and only my experiences shall become memories. Also I shall fight the temptation to see exactly what it is trying to show me.
  The urge is strong and once, it did take a hold of me for what was an extremely dangerous amount of time. I had a couple of glasses of wine, after the wine I had with dinner. When I felt a very relaxing mood take my spirit. Suddenly and without pain, I was there. The other place in my mind.
  It was certainly the calming of the wine, but I wasn't worried. I did not try to resist, I eased into it so easily, I felt I must go on. It carried me quickly out of my body, out of my mind and into this other life.
  I felt no bodily entrapment, only a floating sensation that continued even higher. This continued for some amount of time and I felt no need to intervene, I felt I could return at once if i needed. As time passed, I became just a little hesitant; I think this was my downfall. It grew more and more and soon I was panicked. The most terrifying images and sensations began to appear to me. I knew I must leave, or be overwhelmed with this evil.
  But now, I was trapped. I had no control. I was at its full will. Like a leaf in a hurricane i was tossed about wildly with no sense of direction. I struggled for some sense of control.
  So strong was its hold, i felt it no use. The terrifying sense of defeat was about to take over. When suddenly, i felt someone grab a hold of my spirit and pull me aside. It was not a hand of brute strength, but still a very powerful grip.
  I awoke to the sight of my dear Rosalie. What beauty and strength she was to me after this ordeal. When I had regained my senses i saw that she was holding my hand and calling my name. I must have been hard to awaken for she had a nervous, almost scared look on her face.
  I smiled to relieve her tension and a tear streamed down her cheek. She smiled what was truly a joyous smile and gave a deep sigh of relief. I returned the grip she had on my hand and pulled her near for a long healthy hug.
  I feel it was the strength of her love, my Rosalie, that saved me from my visit with evil. She was my last shred of hope. I've fought my desire to experiment from that day forth, but the pain sometimes is unbearable. Maybe, with practice, I could remain at the point of serenity and ease the torture of this pain.
  But the thought of losing, Rosalie, keeps me away from the idea. I pray that with her strength and love, I can beat this torturous ordeal and never give in to what I'm sure is the forebearer of insanity.
  I tell you these things in hopes of some understanding for you as well as me. But please, I beg of you, never speak of these things to Rosalie. I depend on her so much i couldn't live with the thought of causing her to worry. I thank you for your friendship. I thank God for Rosalie.
  Your friend,
      Billy