Life is all about timing...
I have done the old "if only" sort of reasoning pretty much all my life.
Like this winter when I said "If only I had stopped for a pop this morning on the way home from work. I wouldn't have hit
that deer". Denting my car and taking the life of a gorgeous creature that was only trying to cross the road.
If only isn't really the best way to reason that sort of thing. Its really just timing. I wanted to go straight
home before I fell asleep. I didn't have the time to stop for a soda. I was running late. If I hadn't been late
leaving work I would have had the time. It would have worked out. It would still be alive. But who knows for sure.
Maybe just maybe I could have timed it better for the deer so it could live. But maybe just maybe I would have
been in a terrible accident. Possibly injuring myself or god forbid someone else. That's how one's timing
is so incomprehensible in the long run. So if only I could have changed the timing of things, would I have?
Should I have that huge of a responsibility? I'm certainly glad I don't.
Maybe the timing was right. Maybe the deer sacrificed its life to save me or someone else. Its birth was just at the right time. It lived as a deer timed by the seasons not a clock. Yet it probably knew all of its life that someday the time would be just right. That it could do something to help someone, maybe a small child. Maybe me.
Its time had come. I was drawing near. It gave up its life to slow me down a little. So that maybe my timing would also be slowed just enough to save someone else. To help me realize that some things that seem bad are really just pauses in life. Time to reflect. A re-adjustment of our overall timing of day to day life.
Like today, my timing was confused a little. But later I would know why. I was supposed to get groceries this morning.
But I felt like I needed a little rest. A nap. Old age creeping toward me like an overstuffed couch I guess.
Drawing me ever so slowly to it for a long quiet nap. It was a nice nap. Mixed with in and out TV dreams. But my timing was off. Or so I thought...
I finally arose around 3p.m. and showered and wished I had left earlier like I had planned. But not waiting for the
lines on my face from the couch to smooth out, I left. If only I had left earlier I thought. I would have been back by now.
But oh well I thought. No need to rush. The river is going to be crowded. Lots of people crossing the road on foot.
Wild canoe haulers rushing up and down the river road. Best be careful and take it easy I thought. I was right. It was crowded.
Cars and trucks and canoe haulers were lined up behind me for half a mile or so, but I wasn't going to be hurried along. I'm good at 55. Plenty fast enough for the straight roads. 35 is good enough thru the congested camping areas. Cars and trucks weaving in and out of my rear view mirror. They were all looking for a clear road to pass me. Like one long snake twisting and turning on the highway. But no need to hurry.
So finally I am almost passed all the congestion and nothing left ahead of me but War Eagle Resort and the water slide. I glance at the slide as I slow down even more. Nothing new there. I slow a little more and look left. There I see a man and a woman. They are obviously wet from canoeing. He is facing me. She has her back to me. I see him look at me and then back to her and nod and smile. With a little shake of her head her shoulder length hair tossed slowly to the side. (This is when I remembered the deer re-adjusting my timing.) My eyes couldn't have focused any better if I had been Steve Austin. When suddenly I see her bend over at the waist and pull something gently and slowly down her long tanned legs... it was her bright pink bikini bottoms.
Woo Hoo!!!! Thank you! Thank You! Thank You! Your timing was perfect!!! I Love You Deer!!!

O great spirit...
  For each day i rise , i thank you.
I am no longer afraid to die here.
I've shed last tears.
Conquered all fears.
I'll see you when i get there.

From a song i like... b2d.

My friend...
  I'm feeling much better these days. The headaches aren't as strong as when we last met. They are still as frequent, but maybe that will also ease with time. If not, at least they aren't as severe, as I've said.
  I've come to notice a peculiar thing about the arrival of the pain. It seems 5 to 10 minutes prior to their onset. I have flashes of memory that I have no prior recollection. Yet, they seem so real as to be almost the like reliving someone elses life.
  I also seem to be easing the pain in my head at this very same time. Trying to increase these sensations of other thoughts, other lives. I have been able to reduce the length as well as the severity. Strange as it may seem, I'm beginning to play the game just to see exactly where it will lead.
  At one point in my usual attack, I completely felt as though I had left this time, this place, and it was If I were truly someone else. Enjoying this relief from the pain, I became instantly calm. I finally realized, what I was doing and it scared me so horrifically, I struggled feverishly to return.
  Once I had recovered, I could still feel the dull pain in my head, but I also felt more of what my thoughts were in that other place. I want the relief of pain that it brings, but do I dare go on?
  Could this be insanity? Am I a reincarnation? I think maybe the former. But if it is insanity, why? I have no history of insanity in my family. Except and you know my history. But no, it couldn't be the same.
  For now i shall continue to balance the pain with the relief, the present state of mind and the state of mind being forced upon me, although, not totally against my will.
  I will endure this situation. I have myself to believe in. My spirit is stronger, my desire its equal. But my curiosity is even greater. It, by it, I mean the pain, has become a part of me, of my life. It is this surrender to its occurrence that I must fight.
  Complacency will be the death of me or at least, my mind. I must not let it take its share of my thoughts. I must remain the sole resident of my mind and only my experiences shall become memories. Also I shall fight the temptation to see exactly what it is trying to show me.
  The urge is strong and once, it did take a hold of me for what was an extremely dangerous amount of time. I had a couple of glasses of wine, after the wine I had with dinner. When I felt a very relaxing mood take my spirit. Suddenly and without pain, I was there. The other place in my mind.
  It was certainly the calming of the wine, but I wasn't worried. I did not try to resist, I eased into it so easily, I felt I must go on. It carried me quickly out of my body, out of my mind and into this other life.
  I felt no bodily entrapment, only a floating sensation that continued even higher. This continued for some amount of time and I felt no need to intervene, I felt I could return at once if i needed. As time passed, I became just a little hesitant; I think this was my downfall. It grew more and more and soon I was panicked. The most terrifying images and sensations began to appear to me. I knew I must leave, or be overwhelmed with this evil.
  But now, I was trapped. I had no control. I was at its full will. Like a leaf in a hurricane i was tossed about wildly with no sense of direction. I struggled for some sense of control.
  So strong was its hold, i felt it no use. The terrifying sense of defeat was about to take over. When suddenly, i felt someone grab a hold of my spirit and pull me aside. It was not a hand of brute strength, but still a very powerful grip.
  I awoke to the sight of my dear Rosalie. What beauty and strength she was to me after this ordeal. When I had regained my senses i saw that she was holding my hand and calling my name. I must have been hard to awaken for she had a nervous, almost scared look on her face.
  I smiled to relieve her tension and a tear streamed down her cheek. She smiled what was truly a joyous smile and gave a deep sigh of relief. I returned the grip she had on my hand and pulled her near for a long healthy hug.
  I feel it was the strength of her love, my Rosalie, that saved me from my visit with evil. She was my last shred of hope. I've fought my desire to experiment from that day forth, but the pain sometimes is unbearable. Maybe, with practice, I could remain at the point of serenity and ease the torture of this pain.
  But the thought of losing, Rosalie, keeps me away from the idea. I pray that with her strength and love, I can beat this torturous ordeal and never give in to what I'm sure is the forebearer of insanity.
  I tell you these things in hopes of some understanding for you as well as me. But please, I beg of you, never speak of these things to Rosalie. I depend on her so much i couldn't live with the thought of causing her to worry. I thank you for your friendship. I thank God for Rosalie.
  Your friend,
      Billy

Midnight Riders
   She comes for me at midnight...
and we ride and we ride and we ride.
Racing through the trees in the moonlight...
our hearts pound wildly with every stride.
   On and on we ride until sunrise...
its arrival is sudden and unknown.
I stand silently at my doorstep...
when my love rides away all alone.
   My days are filled with my night time...
where my dreams and my love go to hide.
Where she comes for me at midnight...
and we ride and we ride and we ride.

  by Billy2Dogs